Mail Bag - No Homo

Well, good people of Philaflava, I have finally answered your questions. Sorry it took some time to get around to, but I have been in the studio finishing our new album, which for the record is called The Gods Must Be Crazy.

I embarked on this question/answer exercise with high hopes. But guess what? With the exception of of Drizzle you have all let me down. Your questions ranged from gay to stupid, and back to gay again. I answered them out of obligation. Next time we do this, I am gonna bring in a panel of experts, so fuck you guys and your non-famous gayness.Love,Alaska.

What’s the difference between hifphfop and raphf? - citizen, Cincinnati, OH

According to my extensive research into the field of hiffop and raphf, I have uncovered a few disturbing trends. The first is that hiffop is actually only different from raphf in that the people that claim ownership of it are actually mildly retarded. The second is that raphf and hiffop are actually intentionally misspelled in order to 'flip' words like beats or records, and you damn sure wouldn’t clown someone for doing that and risk being labeled an industry whore.

2. When you get on the mic, do you drop KNOWLEDGE, or drop SCIENCE? - machine, Parts Unknown

Neither. Those terms went out of vogue in the 90's along with claiming rap or hip-hop. With the current status of hip-hop in the mainstream and the dumbing-down of the art form, the appropriate term would be “dropping shop,” either wood shop or metal shop. The important thing is to limit your aspirations early in life so your future failures wont be too traumatic. I also use this term when I have to take a shit.3.

Would you rather give me your bitch than let me breathe on your last hit of indo smoke? - Gurped Out, Gurp City, USA

You can breath on my last hit of indo smoke, since I don’t smoke indo. Thanks for playing

4. What is the meaning of death? What is the reason for life? What is the meaning and reason of RAP?! Why doesn't anyone want to jail R. Kelly? Will Ice-T ever be scary again when he raps? What is "the underground" of hip-hop culture and why is "the underground" so in 2007? How did you get to be so awesome and can you sell your awesomeness in microwave-able single person packets, and sell them at Wal-Mart? Rap is spiraling out of control. Everyone has “Flyentology” and the pilots are dead cause some terrorist named ACTHEPD took over the Hiffop! Soul Plane and suicide bombed himself into Rakim Allah's Heaven (he was denied access, FYI.). Anyhoo, we're all on the plane, about to die in flames. WWJDD? (What Would J. Dilla Do?) - Mindbender, The Future

:killa: :darrylstrawberry: :seagraves in a truck:5.

Screw, Marry, Kill? Your options are: Lisa Bonet, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Salma Hayek. – ardamus, Washington, DC

Screw: Salma Hayek. She is fine as fuck, killer body, beautiful face. However, she seems like she might be a little overbearing, and I really don’t like Penelope Cruz; since they are best friends, I would have to chill with her a lot and that would suck.
Marry: Lisa Bonet. Still hot, a little crazy, a touch earthy. You know she will want to have tons of sex, and probably really yank it off. Plus she will take good care of me and make sure my chi is balanced and all that good shit that I’m not good at doing myself.
Kill: Jennifer Love Hewitt. Let’s be honest, she is hot as fuck. She’s got a killer rack, but she’s a bit too churchy and nice for my tastes. I get the feeling that she isn’t really into sex and probably way to into spending time with her family. That’s not a good mix. She is the human embodiment of the dick tease. She might as well be a dude.

6. I think the first question for any famous person is how much $$ it would take for you to pose nude?Also, if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be? - drizzle, Building Hurting Bombs

It would cost $17.50 to get me to pose nude. I accept PayPal. As for the tree, I would be a learning tree.

7. If you are friends with Reggie. and he's a HLB, then what’s HLB status in comparison to a famous rapper like yourself? - Orale Holmes, Beat Kid

HLB status in comparison to being a famous rapper like me…that’s a tough one. I would have to say it is like Deion Sanders and that song “All About the Money.” It’s borderline gay, just like Reggie.

8. If you had to fuck an animal, which one would it be and why? - random sample, Pittsburgh, PA

A lemur because, from my experience with animals, the lemur's vagina feels most like the vagina of a woman.

9. Which of the ladies on The View do you identify with the most? - drizzle, Buildin’ Hurtin’ Bombs

Rosie O'Donnell, because we both have struggled with our weight and enjoy eating box.

10. Who would win: Masked Terror vs. the Bushwackas? - Event, New Jersey

Masked Terror would win, but only with the help of their manager Jim Corenet.

11. Can I borrow five dollars? - dudley dawson, Parts Unknown

No, but you can earn five dollars, along with the respect and admiration of your fellow citizens.

12. Are you Will Ferrell? If not, why? - Phat Anorexic, Anorexia, CA

I am not. Because I am Will Forte.

So there you have it, all of your stupid questions answered. Now in other I’m famouser related news, my group Hangar 18 is about to hit the road for a month and a half with our labelmate El-P, Yak Ballz and Slow Suicide Stimulus. I will be suspending the whole im better because I’m Famouser routine to bring you running tour blog I hope to update at least twice a week. I’m sure it will be filled with stories similar to the ones in these blogs because believe it or not they are all true. Anyway here are the upcoming dates hopefully we will see some of you there and if you do make it out say what’s up to the god and lets have a drink.

Peace,
Alaska

Upcoming Dates

05/01/07 Cambridge, MA Middle East
05/02/07 Montreal, QC Le National
05/03/07 Toronto, ON The Opera House
05/04/07 Cleveland, OH Beachland Ballroom
05/05/07 Columbus, OH Little Brothers
05/06/07 Detroit, MI Magic Stick
05/07/07 Cincinnati, OH Top Cats
05/08/07 Chicago, IL Abbey Pub
05/10/07 Lawrence, KS Granada
05/11/07 Denver, CO Bluebird Theater
05/12/07 Salt Lake City, UT The Depot
05/14/07 Seattle, WA Neumos
05/15/07 Vancouver, BC Plaza Club
05/16/07 Portland, OR Wonder Ballroom
05/18/07 San Fransisco, Ca Great American Music Hall
05/23/07 Tempe, AZ The Clubhouse
05/24/07 Albuquerque, NM Sunshine Theatre
05/27/07 Austin, TX Emos
05/28/07 Houston, TX Numbers Night Club
05/30/07 New Orleans, LA The Parish House of Blues
06/01/07 Orlando, FL The Social
06/02/07 Common Grounds Gainsville, FL
06/03/07 Ybor City, FL Orpheum
06/04/07 Atlanta, GA Lennys Bar and Grill
06/06/07 Ashville, NC Stella Blue
06/07/07 Carrboro, NC Cats Cradle
06/08/07 Washington, DC The 9:30 Club
06/09/07 New York, NY Irving Plaza

Weekend at Bernie’s 3: My Raptastic Weekend

Hey Philaflavas and Philaflavettes, it’ good to be back amongst the people I consider myself to be better than. I hope all is well in your tiny world because everything is roses over here.

I have been hearing a lot of guff about not posting as of late, and how I am letting my fans down. For that, I do apologize, and I will try to post up more consistently. However you need to know that banging wannabe actresses and ciphering take up a lot of time. Not to mention my newfound heroin addiction…but that’s another story for another time.

Today we are gonna discuss three days of raptastic fun I had last week, or as my new friend Charlie Chan called it, “the tour that wasn’t.” We rocked three shows over three days on two coasts. Why? Because we can and because we’re hot (I just now understood this MIMS fellow).

Without further ado, here is the running diary of that weekend:

Thursday March 22, 2007
Bowery Ballroom NYC
EL P’s I’ll Sleep When You’re Dead album release party

6:00 PM – Showed up for sound check on a rainy afternoon
8:00 PM – Checked the lines

8:30 PM – Doors open. Wind, Bobby Sonz, myself, our new DJ Ktel and a few other friends head out to get some food before the night starts. We decided on one of NYC’s most exclusive eateries, Ray’s Pizzeria on Houston St. I went with the square slice; it was magnificent. After eating and shooting the shit, we realized we needed to head to the venue because it was almost show time.

9:15 PM – Made my way through the downstairs bar, without really seeing anyone, and headed up to the stage. The show time has been pushed back so we decide it’s time to drink, which as you may or may not know is one of our favorite things to do. We throw down the Hangar 18 platinum corporate card—yeah, that’s right: platinum. Talk about stuntin like our daddies! Well, if our daddies had corporate accounts, that is.

9:30 PM – I am on my fourth pint of a fine German lager called Budweiser, which I believe is pronounced “Bood Viser” and means “to cradle God’s sack” in German. It’s tasty.

9:45 PM – Slow Suicide Stimulus hits the stage and tears shit up. We were going on next so we hit the on deck circle and prepared to bring the thunder. Like most bands, football teams and hate groups, we have many pre-show rituals, including—but not limited to—hallucinogens and sex with under-aged girls. We have another pre-show ritual which has never been seen by anyone outside of the group, but for you, my loyal serv…err readers, I will let you in. We learned about this ritual when we were exploring volcanoes in South America. Apparently the natives believed that this practice would give you eternal life, but we (being smarter than those savages) realize it doesn’t, it just gives you a four-hour erection. It’s a small blue diamond shaped pill called Viagra, I believe it is pronounced “Vee-Ah-Gree-Ah” which means “last, but not least” in Latin. It doesn’t give us eternal life, but it does help our package look massive on stage.

10:10 PM – Hangar 18 hits the stage for three songs. Since it wasn’t our usual set, the Heavens only partially opened.

10:30 PM – Set over, hit the bar downstairs

10:40 PM – First sighting of Reggie of Philaflava fame. He is wearing a homemade shirt, but hey, what else is new?

10:50 PM – Finish fifth beer, have first shot with Blockhead of Party Fun Action Committee fame.

11:00 PM – Run into Mr. Lif. We talk some football, and I try to head upstairs to get some more beer on the corporate card. That’s right: corporate card.

11:15 PM – Finally make it upstairs, have a few beers by myself to wind down a bit, get a few compliments on the show, and take a shot or two.

11:30ish PM – I venture to the downstairs bar, since El is a few songs deep in his set the bar is pretty much empty accept for one Jim Bissel of the world famous NOW Crew. He is pretty much drunk. A few minutes later he leaves to puke. Good job.

12:00 AM – Rip-roaring drunk now. Talked to some girls, don’t really know what I said; probably something smooth. Doesn’t really matter, because I am me, so I know it was fresh.

12:30esque AM – I think the show is over, lost track of time. People are coming down to the merch booth, I run into a girl I “know” who has a new boyfriend who took the time to send me a picture message on my phone of him holding a gun suggesting that I “fall back or fall back.” That was great.

1:00 AM – Leave the venue, walk to Max Fish with the rest of the Jukies and entourage.

1:30 AM – Mr. Dibbs, his wife and I tried to win things out of that crane machine.

2:00 AM – Left Max Fish and started walking to the F train. Ran into the world famous Metro aka Met from SA Smash fame, kicked it for a minute.

2:30 AM – I was lucky, caught the train and made it home quickly.

3:00 AM – Went to bed while watching the Departed.

Friday March 23, 2007
Long Island NY
Cancer Benefit Show

5:00 PM – French rapper Rob Sonique, Creature, Wind and myself pile into my homegirl’s Carbiolet and head out to Long Island. I know, perhaps the most gayish moment in hiffop or raph history.

10:00 PM – Rocked the show; cancer cured

Saturday March 24, 2007
San Bernadino, CA
Paid Dues Festival

I am not gonna give you a minute-by-minute rundown, because I was too drunk and too tired. Instead I will give you the highlights of a long and wonderful day:

- Saw porn star Mr. Marcus on the security line at the airport. He hit on a sixteen year-old white girl. She was creeped out, but didn’t know who he was until Wind told her, which creeped her out even more.

- Played to about 2500 kids, we opened the show and it was a blast.

- Hung out with Brother Reade, Mr. Lif, El, Murs, Slug, my homegirl Jasmine, Charlie Chan, Grouch, Zion I and others.

- Met Alchemist and others.

- Got fucking wrecked.

- Sold a shit ton of CDs. “Shit ton” is a unit of measure in the metric system kinda like a kilo but better.

- Ate a killer burrito. I believe it was made from human flesh

- Got a fresh Mars Blackman shirt. I then bought another one at NikeTown during the week, that’s right I plan on building my whole wardrobe around spike lee characters this summer. Can’t wait to get my Mookie medallion.

- Saw the hiffopphilosophy.com crew distributing flyers after the show while we were hustling the last of our CDs and shirts which of course was the highlight of the weekend just edging out curing cancer.

- Went to In and Out Burger – got shorted on the ketchup. I tell you, you cannot trust middle class white kids whose parents make them work to teach them the value of a dollar for shit.

- Hit the hotel, ran into Slug and his girl in the driveway. Who laughed at us and then took a picture in our PT Cruiser. Normally we wouldn’t tolerate such behavior but since he ranks higher than us on the PhilaFlava.com most famous rapper list we had no choice but to let it slide…oh and plot.

- Cried myself to sleep.

Overall, it was a great day and yes you wish you could live the life as well. Unfortunately, you can’t. One final point: on the flight back, we shared a private plane with the dudes from Good Charlotte. They seemed cool, although we didn’t get to talk to them because they were in business and we were in coach, but still we shared it and with my iPod on it seemed semi-private so fuck you.